Disclaimer: Raw emotions and profanity are in this post and possibly something triggering or whatever.
Life doesn’t get easier.
In all honesty I wish it did. I wish that bad shit didn’t have to happen. I wish my friends and family didn’t have to die. I wish a lot of bad things didn’t happen. Too bad. That’s life.
A dear friend of mine committed suicide a little over a week ago. It was out of nowhere. It was shocking. It was devastating. He had joined the ballet company the same year I did, and was my partner in that company for the two years I was there. There are not that many people I trusted, but he was one of them. Whenever I felt like I was a shitty dancer, he would remind me of how far I’d come. When nothing would cheer me up, he would make this stupid silly face that would instantly make me smile and laugh. He was a joy to perform with, as we had many roles together. He was my “husband” in the party scene of The Nutcracker, as well as my snow scene partner. We “went to Cinderella’s Ball” together and enjoyed gawking at the ugly step sisters. And we had plenty of giggles during Scheherazade. He was my little brother away from home (and my actual little brother) and I could not have picked a better person to dance with than Jesse. He saved my mom, husband and I on our moving day when my other friends bailed on us. When I had to leave for a month for health reasons and came back for a whopping 2 days, he was the first person I saw, and by far, the most excited person to see me those entire two days.
Sudden deaths will never be easy to get over. It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you grew so close to suddenly is dead and there is nothing you can do. I have cried for a week and a half now just thinking about the time I had with him. I am crying as I write this because I still can’t believe he is gone. I haven’t been able to sleep for a week. I am exhausted, my eyes are so swollen I can barely wear my contacts, and I just want this nightmare to be over. It won’t ever be over. It will continue until it becomes normal and life itself will continue.
Today, I learned the nature of what had happened that morning and I cannot keep my shit together. It wasn’t something he could control. It was something that was passed down through genetics and it wasn’t something he could stop. It breaks my heart to know that he was suffering so badly and this is how it ended. I cannot imagine how his family is feeling. I sometimes can’t even fathom how I am feeling.
Nothing will make this any easier, and that is the brutal truth. I will cry until I have no tears left. My heart will sink and I will get choked up talking about it. A year will have passed and maybe I will slightly think about it without feeling like a train had hit me head on…
Life is so hard. Life is cruel and unfair and takes away the people who deserve life the most.
I think I will end my ramblings here. I use this blog of mine to post whatever my heart desires. Whether it be travel posts, or raw emotion where I pour my heart out. I will not hide behind a shrouded curtain and pretend that my life is perfect and fine. Right now, I am not fine. My life is not fine. I am exhausted and need to sleep. Thank the Universe that my one-week vacation starts in 4 days, because I desperately need it.
This is all for now my loves.