What You Saw, But What You’ll Never See

November 25 2008

…I had that dream again
That same one from when I was little
The one where the perfect guy
With the blonde hair and blue eyes
Danced with me again.

His name unknown, his face unseen
And yet I could still feel him
His heart beat was steady
He was emotionally strong.

He was the perfect guy
I woke up and I had that feeling
The same feeling of butterflies in your stomach
And I knew he was the one.

I would fall deeply, madly in love
He would love me back even more
The one I would be with
Forever and ever
Until the end of time…

It was after TBS tryouts
And I was a nervous wreck
Wondering if I was good enough
To be a cast member of the well known
Theatre Ballet of Spokane.

I felt my phone buzz at me
And I knew that my mum was curious
Curious how the audition had gone
And if I had any hope left in myself.

I screamed of laughter
As a friend’s phone flew across the room
The front doors opened
And I stood flabbergasted at what I saw.

“Could it be him?” I asked myself as
The blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy
Walked past me, gazing around the studio
…”Is it him?”

It has now been three months
Since I first saw you
And it seems as if you want
To have nothing to do with me.

We were together, we broke up
Unfortunately for something
That shouldn’t have been
The cause for it at all.

You lied to me
You couldn’t tell me the truth
You’re not strong enough to tell me
How you really felt.

You closed me off
You stopped contacting me
You nearly ripped my soul from me
And you shattered my heart.

Everything had to be perfect for you
No sadness or pain in a relationship
Everything had to be fair and fine
Well sorry, but that’s not how the world turns…

I was going through hard times
I was in pain, I was confused
I was sad, I was stressed
I was sick of it all.

I was sick of everything
I’d been depressed for a year
And I wanted the pain gone
And the dark side of me was unleashed.

Finally one night
I found myself
With a bloody wrist
And the weapon in my hand.

I knew I shouldn’t have done it
It wasn’t like me at all
But it made the pain go away
And I knew this darker side was unstoppable.

It controlled my thoughts
It controlled my emotions
It controlled my actions
It ran my life and planned to destroy me.

I was scared to death now
This secret couldn’t be bottled up in me anymore
I needed someone to be there, to understand
I needed a friend; I needed you.

But the one time I needed you the most,
You weren’t there, you couldn’t help
I was left alone to think about it
And I could feel the darkness closing in on me…

It was for that reason you ended
What could have been something
That could have lasted a while,
Something that made sense for once.

You stole my innocence
You toyed with my life
You made me believe that
Maybe happy endings really do exist.

The side of me you saw was only
The side of pain and misery
So what I show you now
Is what you never will see from me.

Yes, I do worry about things
A bit too much
But it’s because I care about them
More than myself.

I tend to care about things
More than I really should
But that’s because I love
Everything in this world

Friends and family are
My top priority
If I lose them, I would
Evidentially lose myself.

My life revolves around
Every single one of my hobbies.
They are what I live for and
Without them, I’m nothing.

I think for myself when I can
And don’t get out that often
But when I do it’s most likely
Going outdoors to do something.

Music saves my soul
And I live to create it
To hear it and to
Dance to it all my life.

I don’t need that much maintenance
I can think for myself
And what I think matters to me,
Maybe not to you, but to me.

I’ve always been the shy little girl
Who knew not how to put words
To her thoughts
And have anyone understand.

I’m as naive as you can get
Living in my own little world
Knowing only of things
That revolves around my lifestyle.

So what if I’m different
I don’t expect you to accept me
Nor to understand me in any way
Or to even care at all.

I do have my days when
I completely lose myself
But I always get back up
And learn from my stupidity.

I think differently than everyone else
I dream beyond what others may
And interpret my ideas
Into my writing; my voice.

Though I do not speak that often
My voice it strong, standing by
Everything that stands for me;
For who I am

My emotions are put into my arts
I can dance through the heart
Write with my soul
And make music for my life.

My curiosity can sometimes
Get the best of me
Most of the time I end up being
Curious about something I shouldn’t

The horrors I’ve witnessed in the past
Has sculpted who I’ve become
Whether it be the darker side
Or the innocent, shy girl everyone knows.

I stand by what I believe in
Everything I believe is right to me
If you ask me to change only
For you, I refuse to do so.

My heart changes for nobody
I am who I am and changes
For nobody, love me for
Being me and nothing less.

I will wait for the right guy to come along
And love me for being who I am
Even if it takes a while, I know
It will be worth it in the end.

So, you may not be the one
I thought you were, and you may
Have turned up like the rest of them
Who needs everything to be just fine.

What I won’t stand for, is
Watching you break the hearts
Of other innocent girls
Like you did mine.

But thanks to you
I have become stronger
Emotionally stronger;
A better person.

This is everything you will miss
Maybe even more than what I am now
However, it is not the fault of mine,
But the fault of your own.
And my heart begins to heal once more
Getting ready to give that one perfect guy
My absolute all.


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