My 2018 | Self Reflection
Oh boy oh boy was this past year a crazy one! The highs were SO high and amazing, and the lows literally brought me to my knees. I experienced so many things I never thought I would ever have to, but I am so glad I pushed through them and made it to the end of the year.
To start off 2018, my depression, anxiety and my eating disorder hit rock bottom. My psychiatrist doubled my prescription which led to many attempts at suicide. I had no control over my anxiety and was having 3 - 4 anxiety and panic attacks on the daily. I think the worst of all was that I was ignored and denied help for my eating disorder. After countless calls and emails to a well known program in town, I was denied help. It broke my heart and made me feel like I wasn't "bad enough" to receive assistance in taking control of my ED. However, I can now fully say that I have spent the majority of the year without my medication, little to no anxiety attacks, and I have full control of my ED and am at the healthiest weight I have ever been. It feels so good to be at the place I am, both mentally and physically!
I divorced my husband. This was something I never thought I would say, as I thought I was so deeply in love with him. I learned he preferred men over women, and I myself learned he was not the man I could continue to be with. It was a long process of back and forth, but the papers were signed in August and I couldn't be happier with who I have become since leaving him.
I sold my house this year. As bittersweet as it was, signing those papers and walking away from it, I was so relieved. The house we bought was never the house I truly dream of owning. There was no place for my dining room table, I couldn’t decorate how I wanted based on my (ex)husbands preferred way of decorating. It just never felt like my home. Luckily, we were able to get a small profit out of selling the home which helped pay off some medical bills and get me back on my feet again.
On a funnier note, I got a Tinder this year! This really pushed me out of my comfort zone to talk and meet different people. I met some incredible people that I've continued to stay friends with, and one that went further than just friends.
I met my person this year. We met on Tinder, I was not actively looking for a new relationship as the end of the divorce was in view, but my god is he a wonderful human. I have never felt more accepted as myself, more safe and more loved by one man. I love who I am when I am with him. We had so many adventures this summer that really pushed my comfort zone; Cliff Diving, Paddle boarding, Hiking, floating the River and so much more. We've walked probably 50 or so miles just hanging out and talking. This October he took it to the next level and proposed to me, which I very very clearly said yes. I love him dearly, and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
I moved into an apartment and was living on my own! I say ‘was’ as about 3 months into living by myself, my Fiance moved in with me. We definitely will not be renewing my lease as the apartment was not built for more than one person, but I adore this space of mine. Since viewing the unit, it felt very me, being in a 100 year old building. It has 6 foot windows in both the living room and bedroom, hardwood floors and 15 foot ceilings. This place was my dream apartment. I have loved it dearly, but I am very excited for my Fiance and I to move into a space a little bit bigger than this one!
Since my Fiance has moved in with me, I 'adopted' another cat! His name is Sharkbait and he is such a cutie!!! We weren't sure how all of the furbabies would get along, but somehow we have achieved near perfection. The cats have become best friends, even snuggle buddies! Something I hear is extremely lucky, to have two cat share one household and not fight. Sprite is the head of the household now, followed by Pixel (who's just a tiny playful goof) and Sharkbait fits right in at the bottom. Though I think Sharkbait may have surpassed Pixel in the hierarchy now that they are fully accustomed to each other...
I got my first two tattoos this year! Something I never thought I would ever do, considering my dance background. This first one I got was in February, and is a semicolon with the upper part in the shape of a heart. This was while I was trying to overcome my depression, and works as a reminder that my story isn’t over yet. The second, my Fiance and I got together as wedding band tattoos. We love to be outside, whether it’s walking, hiking, swimming, camping. Both of us are worried about doing these activities and loosing our wedding rings, so we got tattoos in place of a removable ring for when we have our outdoor adventures. Mine is of mountains with a crescent moon and stars, and his is of the mountains with the sun coming up behind them. They turned out absolutely fantastic and I am so happy I got both my tattoos this year!
I also learned to play the Ukulele this year! I’ve always loved the sound of a Uke, but had never tried to play one before. That was until I found a $20 used Uke at a Guitar store in town. I cannot count on my fingers and toes all the songs I taught myself to play, and it is a huge help to my anxiety when I feel it creeping up on me.
Like I said, 2018 was a WILD ride. I already know 2019 starts with a bang, but I am so excited to see where the next year will take me!
~ Izzy <3