The day I decided to divorce my husband was one I never in a million years thought I would ever experience. It was terrifying, heart breaking, yet at the same time, a huge weight off my chest. At the time, I loved my husband dearly. I loved him more than anyone I had before and was willing to sacrifice a lot for our relationship. Nearly six years under our belt, just passing our one year wedding anniversary and 3 months in our first home. We had been through a lot together.
This whole crazy adventure began on Thanksgiving Day; the day my husband came out to me as Bisexual, preferring the company of men over women. Yes, it was a huge shock to me and only played a small part into why I elected to divorce him. Shortly after, we (as a couple) decided to try out an open marriage. We had done our research and knew that it could go either way in terms of staying together, but we were positive that it wouldn't affect our relationship as Husband and Wife. It would allow him to explore this 'new' side of himself, as well as allow me to explore myself as well. We each made ourselves a Tinder and the adventure began.
I knew that a good chunk of the guys that popped up were just looking for a booty call, but a small handful gave me a taste of what I had always wanted in a man; A man. Like I said, I loved my husband dearly, but he was never and would never be a strong man. He had always been very feminine, had a very petite build and never really made me feel like I was safe. I'm sure he had always tried to make me feel safe and secure, but it was hard when I was the one working full-time and doing the heavy-duty work. I was the man in our relationship.
I only ever met up with four of my matches on Tinder, and with every single one I felt safe. I felt protected and safe and I had never felt that before. It was addictive. Two of them I had continued to hang out with just as friends, but I found myself preferring to be in their company than my own husband's. It started to evolve into something different when he wanted to meet up and hang with guys he had been talking to, but began telling me I wasn't allowed to meet up with the men I had started friendships with. It was so frustrating as it felt like he was trying to keep me locked in a cage for himself. I had been through an abusive relationship before, and that feeling of trying to be controlled set me off like no other. Being in the company of other people made both of us happy, so why was I all of a sudden barred from being with other people?
I didn't really think about how stuck I felt with him until one of the men I had been hanging out with mentioned how unfair my marriage was, and how I was being taken advantage of. It took me a few days to get out of him what he had meant, and I was honestly surprised that he could tell from meeting my husband once. My husband completely relied on me; emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. Yes, my husband worked, but it took countless ultimatums to get him to go to that job. He had such large aspirations, but again, it took countless ultimatums to get him to work towards those aspirations. A week would go by and he would fall back into his old habits of sitting on the couch glooming about his failures, and we'd be back at square one. It was exhausting. And it wasn't just a short period of time this had been going on, it was four years. I will forever be grateful to my husband for fully supporting us as I lived my dream of dancing professionally, but I did not sign up for four years of watching him work towards those dreams and aspirations for a few days, give up, then come home to him sitting on the couch in the exact spot as when I left 10 hours before. I had not realized how much I had been taken advantage of until every single one of those men pointed out to me that I deserved someone better. Someone who would make me feel loved, appreciated, and act like my partner, my teammate.
The following months were an emotional roller-coaster as I battled with my depression, anxiety and my eating disorder. It took a very hard toll on the relationship with my husband, and damn near cost me my life. At the time, I had convinced myself that it was due to other circumstances, like the relationship between my Husband and my Mother and my job, but looking back, I was desperately trying to find a way out of my marriage; Any way out that I could find. I would drive for hours and hours until I was almost out of gas, or until the sun had set and it was the early hours of the morning. I would go on long hikes and walks and keep going until I would get lost and have to navigate my way back home, or get an Uber because I was so exhausted. I would be at home with him and just get up and drive, because I couldn’t take being in the same room as him while I was trying to process everything going through my head. It was exhausting, and slowly tearing me apart.
It didn’t take too long to come to terms that a divorce was the best choice for the both of us. The day I told him that it wasn’t going to get better, we weren’t going to get better, was a day I will never forget. I saw a side of my husband I didn’t know he had. He was violent and mean and chaotic; It terrified me. With everything that had been happening, he could not see how unhappy I was, how unhappy he was, and how it would be best for the both of us to separate. I ended up taking off that night, sleeping in my car because I didn’t feel safe or welcome anywhere else. A few days later, he involved our best friends into the divorce and forcing them to take sides. He moved out (mostly), into their basement and I had the house to myself while we worked on separating our assets.
The hardest part about this whole process involved selling the house. We had just moved into it a few months before, just now unpacking the rest of the boxes. I wanted to sell the house. There were so many things I didn’t like about the house. It didn’t have a proper dining room, which is a big part of my life and spending time with my family. I was raised setting the dining room table and preparing dinner to eat with my family, and it was so hard looking at my nice dining room table sit in the dust in my basement. That along with the lack of a fireplace and and assortment of other things, this house was not the house I saw myself continuing to live in. My Husband, however, insisted on keeping it. He loved the house and was trying to convince me that he could take care of it no problem, but only if I stayed on the mortgage. This was absolutely infuriating, as we both well knew that he alone could not afford the house. We as a household could barely afford the house. It took months and months to finally convince him that it would be the best for both of us to sell the house and start fresh. Once that was settled, I was finally able to submit the papers to file for divorce.
In the end of it all, I found out he had been lying to everyone about why we were getting divorced, using me to shield his sexuality from his conservative religious family, and had been cheating on me with one of his best friends, whom he had a relationship with prior to us meeting. Both were very hard to come to terms with, as well as seeing him in a completely different light than I ever had. It’s crazy how open relationships work for some couples, but mine just helped me open up my eyes to the fact of how unhappy I was and had been.
This is all for now my lovelies. Sorry I have been so absent through all of this. I can say with 100% confidence that it was the best decision I could have made for myself and I am so much happier and healthier now that I am out of that marriage.