Guilty Pleasure

I sit here in this car

Fear washing over me

Slowly inching towards the darkness

That I never want to see.

Pulling up to the driveway

A knot rolls in my gut

I feel they have been waiting for me

With the door I always shut.

Time slowly passes by

As I waste the night away.

The number 10 appears on the clock

And I knew it was time to play.

I always seem to be horrified

When I walked down that empty hall

My energy slowly fading as

They stood and watched me fall.

I stood at my door, petrified

Knowing what lies ahead

I feared for my life as for I

Knew I could end up dead.

I slowly took a deep breath

And reached towards my door

With a quivering hand I turned the knob

And walked into the middle of this war.

My body shook uncontrollably

As I climbed into my bed

The darkness that surrounded me now

Brought on a sense of dread.

I felt a hand grab my wrist

Pain seared throughout my arm

The cuts that I had put there

Would forever do me harm.

Another hand grabbed my thigh

It felt like I was on fire

The gashes that I had put there

Would prove that I was a liar.

I felt another hand

Grab me at the neck

I saw a flash back of my life

And I was scared outta heck.

I tried real hard to escape

But their strength is what held me down

A nightmare invaded the world I was in

And I entered a monstrous town.

Tears streamed down my face

As I felt nails pierce my skin

A hand grabbed my chest and I knew

This was a battle I couldn't win.

A fist slammed into my face

Blood spurted from my nose

A hand felt over my entire body

From my head down to my toes.

Another hand grabbed my head

And held onto it really tight

As another hand with greater force

Tried to take away my sight.

Two hands grabbed my ankle

And twisted it the wrong way

The pain was so hard for me to stand

It was so hard for me to stay.

A dozen hands slammed down on me

My body ached and bled

My heart beat began to slow as I

Tried hard not to fall out of bed.

For a few seconds, it all let up

And I lay quite still where I had

Until I heard a very strange noise

I was nothing at all but sad.

I sat up as quickly as I could

And grabbed the razor from my floor

I took a deep breath and swung my arm

And watched as my skin tore.

Blood poured from my legs

And my hand fell victim to my thoughts

My thoughts consisted of all the pain

My heart had always sought.

No one would ever care about me

No one ever will

No one would be there to see

How in the end they would kill

I seemed to lack any friends

I seemed to lack any love

I seemed to lack my existence

I seemed to push it all to shove.

People I loved I pushed away

Well I guess that deserves a cut

But what about the people I hurt

And that was a door I always shut.

Every time I cut myself

It made that pain go away

Every time the demons came

I did everything except to pray.

Night by night, this got worse

And soon I began to feel

That taking away my own life

Was the only way I could close this deal.

One night I wanted out

Out of this mess that I was in

I tied a rope around my neck

And waited for my breath to thin.

This went on three more times

Before I finally knew

What I was doing to myself

I really shouldn’t do.

Things began to come clear to me

I thought I won this war

But a few months later they came back

And I cut myself once more.

I disappeared for four weeks

Not once did they bother me

Not until the fifth week

Did I finally pay my fee.

Once again, my nightmare was met

And I tried hard not to cut

I disappeared back to my home

And left that feeling in my gut.

Its been a couple weeks since then

And now I'm at my worst

The demons have taken advantage of my pain

And it seems to quench their thirst.

My thoughts are falling to darkness

As my nightmare begins once more

Tempting to do damage again

I have seen this fate before.

What I'm doing to myself now

Is something I won’t measure

Now that I have accepted this as

My lethal guilty pleasure.

Elizabeth O'DohertyComment