What You Saw, But What You'll Never See

...I had that dream again

That same one from when I was little

The one where the perfect guy

With the blonde hair and blue eyes

Danced with me again.

His name unknown, his face unseen

And yet I could still feel him

His heart beat was steady

He was emotionally strong.

He was the perfect guy I

woke up and I had that feeling

The same feeling of butterflies in your stomach

And I knew he was the one.

I would fall deeply, madly in love

He would love me back even more

The one I would be with

Forever and ever Until the end of time...

It was after TBS tryouts

And I was a nervous wreck

Wondering if I was good enough

To be a cast member of the well known Theatre Ballet of Spokane.

I felt my phone buzz at me

And I knew that my mum was curious

Curious how the audition had gone

And if I had any hope left in myself.

I screamed of laughter

As a friend's phone flew across the room

The front doors opened

And I stood flabbergasted at what I saw.

"Could it be him?" I asked myself as

The blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy

Walked past me, gazing around the studio

..."Is it him?"

...

...

...

It has now been three months

Since I first saw you

And it seems as if you want

To have nothing to do with me.

We were together, we broke up

Unfortunately for something

That shouldn't have been

The cause for it at all.

You lied to me

You couldn't tell me the truth

You're not strong enough to tell me

How you really felt.

You closed me off

You stopped contacting me

You nearly ripped my soul from me

And you shattered my heart.

Everything had to be perfect for you

No sadness or pain in a relationship

Everything had to be fair and fine

Well sorry, but that’s not how the world turns...

I was going through hard times

I was in pain,

I was confused I was sad,

I was stressed

I was sick of it all.

I was sick of everything

I'd been depressed for a year

And I wanted the pain gone

And the dark side of me was unleashed.

Finally one night I found myself

With a bloody wrist

And the weapon in my hand.

I knew I shouldn't have done it

It wasn't like me at all

But it made the pain go away

And I knew this darker side was unstoppable.

It controlled my thoughts

It controlled my emotions

It controlled my actions

It ran my life and planned to destroy me.

I was scared to death now

This secret couldn't be bottled up in me anymore

I needed someone to be there, to understand

I needed a friend; I needed you.

But the one time I needed you the most,

You weren't there, you couldn't help

I was left alone to think about it

And I could feel the darkness closing in on me...

It was for that reason you ended

What could have been something

That could have lasted a while,

Something that made sense for once.

You stole my innocence

You toyed with my life

You made me believe that

Maybe happy endings really do exist.

The side of me you saw was only

The side of pain and misery

So what I show you now

Is what you never will see from me.

Yes, I do worry about things

A bit too much

But it's because I care about them

More than myself.

I tend to care about things

More than I really should

But that's because I love

Everything in this world

Friends and family are

My top priority

If I lose them, I would

Evidentially lose myself.

My life revolves around

Every single one of my hobbies.

They are what I live for and

Without them, I'm nothing.

I think for myself when I can

And don’t get out that often

But when I do it's most likely

Going outdoors to do something.

Music saves my soul

And I live to create it

To hear it and to

Dance to it all my life.

I don't need that much maintenance

I can think for myself

And what I think matters to me,

Maybe not to you, but to me.

I've always been the shy little girl

Who knew not how to put words

To her thoughts

And have anyone understand.

I'm as naive as you can get

Living in my own little world

Knowing only of things

That revolves around my lifestyle.

So what if I'm different

I don’t expect you to accept me

Nor to understand me in any way

Or to even care at all.

I do have my days when

I completely lose myself

But I always get back up

And learn from my stupidity.

I think differently than everyone else

I dream beyond what others may

And interpret my ideas

Into my writing; my voice.

Though I do not speak that often

My voice it strong, standing by

Everything that stands for me;

For who I am

My emotions are put into my arts

I can dance through the heart

Write with my soul

And make music for my life.

My curiosity can sometimes

Get the best of me

Most of the time I end up being

Curious about something I shouldn't

The horrors I've witnessed in the past

Has sculpted who I've become

Whether it be the darker side

Or the innocent, shy girl everyone knows.

I stand by what I believe in

Everything I believe is right to me

If you ask me to change only

For you, I refuse to do so.

My heart changes for nobody

I am who I am and changes

For nobody, love me for

Being me and nothing less.

I will wait for the right guy to come along

And love me for being who I am

Even if it takes a while,

I know It will be worth it in the end.

So, you may not be the one

I thought you were, and you may

Have turned up like the rest of them

Who needs everything to be just fine.

What I won’t stand for, is

Watching you break the hearts

Of other innocent girls

Like you did mine.

But thanks to you

I have become stronger

Emotionally stronger;

A better person.

This is everything you will miss

Maybe even more than what I am now

However, it is not the fault of mine,

But the fault of your own.

And my heart begins to heal once more

Getting ready to give that one perfect guy

My absolute all.