You

The thoughts of you came

So unexpectedly that they hit

Me hard with the yearning feeling

To be close to the flame

In those eyes of yours while we sit

On the floor and stare at your ceiling.  

My heart races as your hand

Brushes mine and I feel a spark

From the thought of being close

To you and I hope we expand

These thoughts even in the dark

As we try to diagnose

This

 

This feeling of mine that I

Can't describe has me dreaming  

Of that day we first would meet

That moment, that second, a sigh

To stop the shaking that was seeming

To make my heart skip a beat

As I gazed into those hazel eyes

That are so familiar to me that

I feel so safe when you are near

That it's hard to disguise

My flushing face while we sat

And intentions became unclear. 

 

It feels like I am falling through

All of space and time wishing

I could just hear your voice

Once more and maybe I'd pursue

This want, this thought of kissing

Those luscious lips and making the choice

That just might bring us closer.  

But what if I am pushing this

Too far, and yearning in ways

You will never feel for me

And this joy I have, this bliss

Will be stopped in its tracks by the haze

That I may never be able to see

Through

 

But if I continue falling maybe just

Maybe you might catch me and

I'll get the chance to look into those eyes

Those wild eyes of yours that I trust

Even though we don't understand

The sensation of these kinds of highs

That I feel when I'm with

You

Restoration and Rupture

My mind has gone numb

I've finally given into

The realization of my faults

A portentous cloak that's risen from

My past and I'm falling through

Another grievous waltz.

My body's eternally sore

As I struggle to rise from my bed

Or open my eyes and see the good

Of today as it's better than before

The day I couldn't lift my head

And just be where I have stood.

My woeful heart beats in my chest

The restoration of this disease has

Forced me to not feel a thing

Like I'm wearing a heavy vest

Though my body's made of glass

But everything comes as a sting.

My eyes have sunken in

And I can't seem to capture

How things used to be

Uncomfortable in my own skin

And my world's begun to rupture

Unable to be set free.

The Scientist

Time has passed since

I have last seen you

Oh so many years ago

And you remain my prince

Charming who always knew

We needed to take things slow

For us not to get hurt

By the love we felt for one another

As we feared a broken heart

And the other to suddenly avert

Leaving you for an other

But this is where we start

 

All starts must come to an end

And how we despise the fact

Of our other leaving us alone in the world

As we grieve loosing a friend

As we fall to the ground as our hearts cracked

And our souls whirled from your passing

Taken as another victim of

This disease's wrath and I can't help but

To think I was just holding you in my arms

As we discussed our everlasting love

That has somehow gotten us in a rut

Putting us directly in the path of harms

Way

 

I wish I could become the scientist

That one day find that cure

That could have kept you alive

That would have stopped these violent

Tears and fits when I got the call that would obscure

That would give me the drive

To finish writing our story

The story you helped me to write

So that one day we could be heard

Though it didn't end in glory

At least we gave it a fight

Before your soul took off like a bird

And left me here to live my life without you

I will never be the scientist

That could have had the guts

To cure something that we all knew

Would forever keep the spoken silenced

And never have given the chance for "us"

To begin

Karma

So many times have I let

My guard down and trusted a stranger

And grown to care about

Not knowing they were a threat

Or that I would face the danger

I would soon doubt

That I had ever met him

This is what one gets

For opening up to one

And believing in false hope

That truth that's tearing you to bits

Keeps you down like you weigh a ton

You wish you never went down that slope

Because you knew they never cared

In the first place

Beginning to doubt yourself

You start to feel scared

Before the end is even near

Finding that you've pushed oneself

Over the edge that they never dared

To give to a chance to clear

They ledge they build for your downfall

Finding yourself in the black of night

You start to cry, knowing

That you spent months of your life

Wishing that maybe he might

For once keep the pace going

But he stabs you in the back with the knife

Drenched in poison that was always meant for you

Scared and confused your wall has raised

And you appear to be hopeless

For the need to be loved

And all he sees is a phased

Stranger struck by the blindness

That was laid over you like a glove

Which stole your common sense

Shrouding yourself in the dark

Wondering how you haven't come

To hate him like you should

When that hope that spark

Burnt out by the heinous scum

That convinced you he was good

And carelessly broke your heart

You've made the mistake to swear

That you'll never speak again

With hope that he cares

But your promise begins to tear

As you try to refrain

From going down those stairs

Because you can't help but miss their company

This is the reality

I have come to accept

That was forced upon me

This is my actuality

That keeps me from being swept

Off my feet no matter how I plea

This fact will never change

10 Things I Hate About...

I hate the way you talk to me

the kindness in your voice

I hate the way I fell for you

And how I knew I had a choice

 

I hate how you always made me smile

And got my mind off the bad

I had how you made me laugh and

Made me feel good when I was sad

 

I hate how you were always so nice

And were so friendly to me

I hate that I have to be so naive

And t'was the truth I couldn't see

 

I hate how I pushed you away

And I wish I could take it all back

I hate how I've been so afraid

My common sense I seem to lack

 

I hate the fact that we never met

And that we never will at all

I hate the fact that you don't even care

And the fact that you'll never call

 

I hate it how I care so much

and that I am missing you

I hate the way I feel so desperate and

It was myself I withdrew

 

But mostly I hate the way

I don't hate you one little bit

Not even close

Not even at all

Never Have I Ever

Never have I ever been

So afraid to be myself

Or eat around people

And worry if people will be unkind

 

Never have I ever been

So afraid to have an opinion

Or be an individual

And be in fear of rejection

 

Never have I ever been

So afraid to speak to people

Or converse with my peers

And ask questions regarding my future

 

Never have I ever been

So afraid to take an audition

Or even a technique class

And fear another sprained ankle

 

Never have I ever been

So afraid that I didn't want to dance

Or even get out of bed that day

And be so unsure of myself

 

Never have I ever cried so hard

That I fell asleep with tears

Still streaming from my eyes

Fearing that everything I do

Will always go terribly wrong

 

Never have I ever been

So afraid in my life

Deja Vu

You

I know you

I've seen you before

Met you in a half-remembered dream

Your vibrant deep cerulean eyes

Your marble cut jawline

I remember you so vaguely

That I nearly forgot

You came to me in a coffee shop

Two months ago

And now I have realized who you are

The boy from my dreams

The boy who made me feel safe

Even in the darkest of times

Showing me the lighted path

To an awakening moment

It is you who pulled me from the darkness

Oh so long ago

It was you who stood by me

In a moment of need

The thought sends chills up my spine

Fluttering butterflies churn my stomach

As I realized why in that moment

I experienced an overwhelming amount

Of Deja vu

Closing The Distance

Today was a glorious day to me

A quiet one for a Monday

And, for once, we conversed

Have you finally begun to see

And look past from yesterday

To see the electrifying burst

Of bubbles escaping from

My chest and I sighed

As you smiled, walking

Towards me, my body felt numb

And I had never tried

To keep myself from gawking

At your statuesque existence

My voice caught in the back

Of my throat when you said hello

I couldn't help but close the distance

Not caring if common sense I lack

For I knew our friendship would grow

I felt your heartbeat through our embrace

And knew you weren't an illusion

Or an image pulled from a dream

As I looked up to your face

And came to the conclusion

When I saw your eyes gleam

That we would go far

Not A Want But A Need

Let me tell you about my career

The one thing I hope to spend

My whole life engaging in

And something I hold dear

My imagination spreads and can extend

Creating my interpretation on a whim

And I am dancing

I've never wanted anything in my whole life

As I have wanted this

Always working on enhancing

My lines and the fluidity of motion to the fife

That sings a song of sweet bliss

I've wanted this more than love

More than my need for acceptance

Or for anyone to understand

My expectations for myself are set high above

In the clouds where I set my confidence

To accept nothing than what I've planned

This is not something I just want

It is something I need

And I need it desperately

Not something I do, nonchalant

I need this for my soul to be freed

To show my love affectionately

I need this like I need to breathe

Like the water I drink

And the food I eat

It is my haven when I seethe

And unable to clearly think

My thoughts of this are concrete

Dance is my way of expression

Of telling you a story

Or just being a form of motion art

It is my obsession

My one moment of glory

At the barre when class starts

This is my passion

This is my life

This is what I need

Realization

It finally hits you

What you have done

To that poor girl

You said had bulimia

She hit her breaking point today

And guilt washes over you

From your finger tips to your toes

A chilling realization

Of your misconception

That took that confused girl down

The things you said

That spread around until it hit her

Smack in the face

They were all lies

Created by an obsession

Of the unreal

And the unbelievable

To the people in our industry

You took down a girl who was strong

And confident about the way she looked

And it left you with no guilt in the end

Whatsoever

Taking down any threat to you

Anyone who stands in your way

To get that one spot we're all fighting for

Confusion

She's a confused girl

She doesn't know what she's done wrong

Nobody speaks to her

Or sits with her at lunch

She feels like she has no friends

She's kept her oddities hidden

In fear that she would scare anyone who came close

She feels alone

Why are people in this industry so mean

Hateful

Backstabbing

People she thought were her friends

She hears whispers and rumors

Go on and on

About how much she eats

And she doesn't understand

Aren't most people like that?

Why does everyone think she's bulimic?

Can't they eat what they want and not have to worry

About calories of fat

Or what kind of food it is?

The drama caused in her life

Took an overwhelming turn

And everyone's back turned on her

The girl who was confused at the fact

People didn't accept her for who she was

Perception

She's the one they all talk about

That girl

That one bone-skinny girl

Who eats her body weight

Everyone says she's got an eating disorder

Another one of those

Bullimic ballerinas

She says its her metabolism

But no one believes her

She is that girl

Nobody wants to sit with at lunch

Because of how much she eats

It's unbearable

She's the only girl under 100

The thinnest in the school

And nobody wants to be her friend

She's always eating

And talks about the strangest things

She's not like us

She has no common interests

With us

Nobody ever wants to be around her

She's so weird

And all she eats is junk food

It's disgusting

But she smiles

Everyday in class

Why is she so happy when

She throws up everything she eats?

She's that girl

Everyone picks on

For her unhealthy eating habits

And the girl that

Nobody is friends with

A Fool To Believe

I heard a sigh in my ear

Chills shot up my spine like

A rocket

My terror would soon begin

The day I had spent planning

Was supposed to end on

A fabulous note

But now had me on the floor

With tears dripping down my face

Like the rain that had poured all day

You would think one would learn

From one's own mistakes

I am one of those people

Who never do

I was a fool to believe any of this

Would ever work out

The decision to allow you

To look into my heart

Look into my soul

And feel what I feel

Has been the worst in a while

Whatever we might have had

Going

Is now gone

Once again, I've scare you away

You passed part one

The story telling of my past

And now that I've begun

To expell my emotions through

The tip of this pencil

You're slowly slipping through

My boney fingers

And now the portal

Has been opened yet again

I've put the one's I care about

In danger once again

And I was a fool to believe

That everything would work out

To my favor

I See You

We were running

Running far far away

From something that was after us

The hunter was beyond cunning

Waiting until the sun broke the sky today

As we ran past the mighty truss

Of his old and failed realm

That was crumbling to the bits

As we passed through

You took my hand and helm

Ranting in wrathful fits

That would take a mouthful to chew

I was beyond fearful

This hunter was from my past

And could snake into my head

My eyes becoming tearful

As we arrived at an immensely vast

Orchard; We were misled

A traitor was among our tribe

And we knew our fate

Through what the white witch had said

What we had read on the scribe

Which turned us into bait

And we were left for dead

Your deep cerulean eyes turned

To me and loosened the grip on

My hand; I had to run

Something I had never learned

And before the demons would spawn

I would have to be out like a gun

Shot, I didn't want to leave

Your sight and stop gazing

Into your deep cerulean eyes

Knowing I would soon grieve

Over your body and blazing

Raise hell upon the skies

 

My eyes opened wide

And my entire body dripping with sweat

It had only been a dream

Gripping my aching side

I felt he was a real threat

And he was indeed plotting a scheme

But then there was you

Whom I haven't even met

Yet I felt so strongly for

My mind began racing through

Thoughts of how this threat

Was possible, my heart dropped to the floor

I gazed at the clock

I'm up hours before you will

Awaken from your deep slumber

Still bamboozled how our eyes had locked

The thought of your hand in mine sent a chill

Up my spine and had me seeing starts and numbers

Counting down the hours until

I will speak to you in the near future

These Are The Nights

They came in the night to get me

To finish what they had started

So long ago

The invisible hands found their way

To my neck

And the first thing I thought of

Was you

I pictured your happy face

Your smile

And thought I heard you laugh

You were just here with me

The memories of our night

Still fresh in my mind

The feeling of your arms

Still around me

And then something incredible happened

Like nothing before

The invisible hands went away

I couldn't feel the dredful feeling

When it first came

I had won

The fight against this monster

Was over

And that was the night

I drempt of you

Reliving my past, however

It was the happy memories that

Played through

Up until now

Until this moment

This minute

Up till this very second

From the first day that I met you

And I feel these happy

Memories

Are sure to continue

Nature Boy

Is it wrong for me to want

To feel that kind of feeling

I felt so long ago?

The emptiness does haunt

This room all the way up to the ceiling

And down to the basement below

I yearn to feel butterflies flutter

When I see your face

And when you speak

My heart stutters

To feel safe in your warm embrace

Even when my knees are weak

I beg for the day that my prince

Charming will sweep me away on

His glorious white horse

In no way would you need to convince

Me to wait until dawn

Breaks to find the source

Of my extreme happiness

Oh, I wish for the day

To wake and see your face

Smiling after our scandalous

Events we dare not speak or say

What will happen at this pace

I've dreampt of you before

And my curiosity is not seeming

To help my wanting and yearning

For the love I wish to restore

And savor that wonderful feeling

That keeps me wanting you more and more

It feels wrong to want and wish

This more than anything I've ever

Dreamed of sharing

With someone to love and kiss

And know that our feelings would never

End as we are always daring

To love and be loved in return

Clocks

I used to to think

That it was a waste of my time

To get to know someone

So well and then in a blink

Of an eye your actions were conceived as a crime

And you just want to be done

But then their silky scarlet voice

Sinks into your skin

And you feel their kind words

Seep through your bones by choice

As you begin to grin

At the birds floating in your head

The clock ticks away

And so do my many day dreams

About you

That have invaded the thoughts of today

Flowing like those silly streams

That keep my skies always blue

Just like your deep cerulean eyes

And that smile you hate

So much but I seem to love

I'm hiding through this disguise

To keep from carrying this weight

That seems to slip on me like a glove

When I share my feelings with you

Yet here I sit

Waiting to hear your silky scarlet sound

And this pixel-ed clear glass I see through

Not able to catch or grab a hole for my hand to fit

To save me from being drowned

In those deep cerulean eyes

Terrible Things

I never thought

That this would happen again

I'd been a good girl

Avoiding my interests in the occult

And yet here they are

Depriving me of sleep

Frighting me with nightmares

My worst fears coming to life

In my one safe haven

I fear for my life once more

As chills are sent up my spine

And I'm paralyzed in my bed

None of this was my fault

It was he who attempted to

Destroy my life

My career

Out of lust and selfishness

He who wanted me for himself

And I will never forgive him

For what he's done to me

My hatred and pain towards

This delicate issue

Has wedged a hole in my heart

Enabling these monsters

To slip into my life again

I feel like a burden to everyone

To my roommates

My family

My few friends

I never wanted any of this to happen

To scare everyone

With this problem I can't control

I never wanted to hurt

Any of you

I feel awful

For keeping you up some

Sleepless nights

Worrisome nights

Filled with the darkness

That keeps clouding up my blue skies

Please don't go

I can't bear to lose

Another friend

Over an issue like this

I need you the most

And I'm sorry that I have

Become such a pain

For you to deal with

Please forgive me

Someone Like You

I am frozen in the seat of your car

Exposing everything

Allowing you to look deep in my past

How could I not know this was as far

We'd go with anything

I was a fool who rushed in too fast

And scared you away

With my longing for that feeling

That someone does care

And unfortunately today

My hopes dropped through the ceiling

And I couldn't speak or dare

To tell you how I feel

The hope that you would be the only one

To not unintetionally tear my heart out

I'd been waiting for my heart to heal

And now all I want is to be done

Because my head is overflowing with doubt

I guess we all hope and dream

That our prince charming will one day come

And take us away on a white horse

I'm surrendering my thoughts to the steam

The shower omits; where are these thoughts coming from?

This morning my voice was hoarse

From the previous night's retreat

When I learned I'm not in your cards

For what I was hoping to be

But now I feel defeat

Why are things like this so hard?

I guess it's just something I can't see

A part of fate's plan

To keep me from finding the right

Guy to give my heart to

There's nothing to do that I can

Give me a reason to keep going with this fight

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you

I guess some lessons are hard to learn

River

It never really occurred to me

How bad I would really miss you

After this tragic crime

This accident that we would never see

Coming, it hit your soul and you flew

And I wish I knew that it would take me some time

To realize that you are gone

Gone and unable to speak

To me, gone and unable to hold

Me, gone and unable to see when dawn

Breaks, gone and unable to see the creek

And feel the waters cold

Touch, yes my dear friend

My love, my buddy, my soul

Mate, I am afraid you've taken

Part of my heart and I'm unable to mend

This hole, this monstrous hole

That seems to keep me shaken

From knowing that you have left us

 

I wish I could have found a way

To change this horrible fate

That was set on your path

That would throw my feelings a stray

And make me wonder and hate

The feelings that destiny's wrath

Have bestowed upon your grave

The grave I cried over as tears

Flowed from my face like a raging river

Making me wish I didn't misbehave

Or give in to all my aching fears

That make my shaking bones quiver

As I set that rose upon your stone

Which engraves "here lies" and

I slide my fingers over the words

That have somehow thrown

Out my feelings and I'm unable to withstand

This outburst of thoughts running like herds

Of animals escaping from the prison

It's been kept in for years or

What seems like a lifetime

Of bundled up pain that has risen

And surfaced as hot bubbles that hit the shore

That singe the skin of this crime

That took you away from me

And I wish I could bring you back